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Five-Minute "Spearhead from Space"

by Scooter

UNIT Technician: Commander! According to the monitor, a whole bunch of deadly "thunderballs" are headed straight for Earth!
UNIT Commander: Meh. Live and let die.

Poacher: Oooo! Pretty.
Thunderball: Don't touch me.
Poacher: Yikes! You frightened the living daylights out of me, you did.

Brigadier: Miss Shaw, you're a brilliant scientist.
Liz: Yes, I am.
Brigadier: We need to you research these strange thunderball meteorites.
Liz: I'm too brilliant to shill for the likes of you.
Brigadier: You might even get a chance to work with the Doctor. Would you like that?
Liz: Doctor? No.

Hospital Porter: (over the phone) Hello, National Enquirer? We have a new patient here with two hearts!
Editor: Yeah, right. Does he have a gold finger, too?

Doctor: It's me, Brigadier! I've regenerated into a third body!
Brigadier: Nonsense. Everyone knows you only live twice.

Ransome: Boss, why has our doll factory suddenly started making creepy mannequins?
Hibbert: Get out. I'd kill you now, but you'll just have to die another day.

General Scobie: Great Scott, who are you?
"General Scobie": Your plastic double. Even though I'm a mannequin, I still have more personality than you.
Scobie: I suppose you're going to start countermanding my orders. I'll never permit -- GAK!
"Scobie": Well, you'll never say never again.

Hibbert: How're we doing with our master plan to use mannequins to house your alien invaders?
Channing: x
Hibbert: Hello?
Channing: Oh, sorry, I was miles away. What?
Hibbert: How's it coming?
Channing: Good, good. Just one thunderball left to collect -- the container for the hive mind itself.
Hibbert: I hope some poacher hasn't found it. Are you excited about taking over the world?
Channing: Believe me, the world is not enough.

"Scobie": I order you to give me the thunderball you collected from the poacher.
UNIT Corporal: Um, O.K., I guess. As long as it stays secret. From now on it's for your eyes only.

Doctor: So it seems that these meteorites were actually hollow plastic spheres containing some kind of noncorporeal pure energy life form.
Liz: Impossible. The Vulcan Science Directorate has determined -- oh, sorry, sorry, wrong series. Erm, my line is, "That's brilliant, Doctor." Is that really my line?
Doctor: Yes, for the entire rest of the season, until I find someone prettier and not so bright to say it. Deal?
Liz: Whatever. So we need some silly-looking contraption to kill these energy creatures with.
Doctor: Voila.
Liz: ...A hi-fi set? Don't you have something more believable, like a bicycle bell or something?
Doctor: No. Actually I got this in the mail today from an old girlfriend in Moscow. It came --
Referee: (blows whistle) Sorry, too much of a stretch. Next scene!

"Scobie": Brigadier, leave this doll factory at once!
Brigadier: Sorry, General, I've got a view to a kill and I'm going to use it!

"Scobie": Brigadier, I'm ordering you to get out. And take that dandy with the hi-fi set with you!
Doctor: Ah. Well, before we do that, let me just switch on for a moment...
Shatner: (over the hi-fi) Picture... yourself... on a boat... in a... river...!
"Scobie": GAK!
Brigadier: You were a fool to take on Her Majesty's secret service.

Doctor: Aha! Prepare to be thwarted, evil-doer!
Channing: x
Doctor: (ahem) I said, prepare to be thwarted!
Channing: Oh, hello. Was I gone long?
Doctor: Ages.
Channing: Well, as you have correctly surmised, I am the diabolical villain. Erm, my line is, "You will never defeat me! I shall destroy your future!" Is that really my line?
Doctor: Yes. And to that I say, "I think not. Tomorrow never dies!"

Doctor: So what's this ugly tentacle thing in the tank?
Channing: It's our alien hive mind. It controls all the mannequins, so killing it will stop the invasion. Oh, did I say that out loud?
Doctor: Don't worry, I was busy preening.
Channing: Right. So, what do you think?
Doctor: Actually, it looks rather like an octopus. Here, octopussy, pussy, pussy...

Doctor: Time to fry the bad guys. Switch on, Liz!
Liz: I beg your pardon.
Doctor: I mean, turn on the hi-fi! Quick, the octopussy is strangling me!
Liz: For this I left Cambridge. Here it comes, Doctor!
Shatner: (over the hi-fi) The girl... with... ka... leidoscope... eyes!
Hive Mind: GAK!
Channing: x
Doctor: (cough)
Channing: Oh, sorry. GAK!
Brigadier: Everything all right up there?
Doctor: Golden -- I won!

Liz: Amazing that old Shatner gambit still works.
Doctor: Yes, the perils of his "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" are forever.
(The cast groans its way out of the episode at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 12, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the company that makes Doctor Who. We, the administration of Five-Minute Voyager, could not possibly have less of a clue who that is. Well, actually we do since SCMoll told us, but it's funnier this way.

All material © 2005, Mark Wilson.