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Five-Minute "New Earth"

by Scooter

Rose: Where are we going now?
Doctor: The year five katrillion zillion bim-bin-bim bus stop f'tang f'tang olé biscuitbarrel and six.
Rose: That is a very silly number.
Doctor: This is a very silly episode.
Rose: C'mon, it's a series premiere and a new Doctor. They have to make it decent.
Doctor: Dumbest. Episode. Ever. Betcha a fiver.
Rose: Pfft. Dumber than "Time-Flight"? You're on.

Chip: That girl on the monitor looks human.
Cassandra: She also looks familiar. Hope it's not my gynecologist, I owe her money.
Chip: You're a human trampoline! How can you have a...?
Cassandra: Don't ask.

Rose: Doctor... can I just say how much I love... er, travelling with you?
Doctor: What's with the pauses? Sounds like you've got Shatneritis. Better get you to a hospital.
Rose: But... I...
Doctor: Ooo, it's getting worse.

Cassandra: It's her! Rose Tyler! I hate her for killing me.
Chip: Very wise.
Cassandra: I must have her body. I want her body!
Chip: Er, what exactly are you telling me, mistress?

Doctor: Hello, nurse!
Matron: Meow can I help you?
Doctor: My friend here has Shatneritis.
Rose: Doctor... it's just... I was only trying to say...
Matron: Heavens, I've never seen such a serious case. Come with me, child.
Doctor: Mind if I poke about intrusively in the meantime?
Matron: As long as you promise not to go to intensive care.
Doctor: I promise not to not go to intensive care. Bye Rose!
Rose: But... I...
Doctor: Get well soon!

Elevator: Stand be to be blasted with disinfectants.
Rose: Wait! I... my sweater... it's not colourfast...
Elevator: Oh, Shatneritis. You'd better have that looked at. PFWOOOSH!

Sister: Have you come for the "End of the World" reunion party?
Doctor: Um, sure. Who's here so far?
Sister: Well, the charred remains of the Jabe and Moxx of Balhoon arrived earlier this evening. Oh, and there's the Face of Boe.
Doctor: Wow, a big sleeping head in a jar. Don't you have any villains I can fight or something?
Sister: This is a hospital, all the villains are in accounting. You'll have to come back at nine.

Young Cassandra: Hahahahaha, don't I look like I just stepped out of an Evelyn Waugh novel.
Party Guest: Mary Shelley, more like.
Young Cassandra: I'm beautiful! We must establish that I'm beautiful!
Party Guest: Uh huh. Hey, have you met Victor? I think he created you.
Young Cassandra: I hate you.

Rose: Great, now I'm lost and wandering through basements again. Cassandra! You're alive!
Cassandra: Yes. And I want your body!
Rose: Er, what exactly --
Personality Transfer Machine: ZAP!
Cassandra/Rose: Hello.
Chip: Oh, that's what she meant.

Sister: It's this one. He just woke up and started babbling.
Diseased Clone: Helllp meee!
Matron: Well, no wonder. The Cosmos soundtrack got stuck again. Here, cover your ears.
Soundtrack: bbrrrrzzweeeee are... starstuff.
Diseased Clone: Helllp-- zzzzzzz.
Sister: Some of them are developing a resistance.
Matron: Hmm. We might have to switch back to showing them Chariots of Fire.

Cassandra/Rose: Hello, Doctor.
Doctor: Rose! All better, I see. Hey, take a look at the cures these cats havemmmmmpph!
Cassandra/Rose: Mmm, you're an excellent kisser. I love a good fanwank, don't you?
Doctor: Blecch, how could you possibly still have had Jack's gum?

Cassandra/Rose: So this is "intensive care." Lovely.
Doctor: It's a human flesh farm for testing disease cures. And not a bit like The Matrix. No sirree.
Russell T. Davies: Look, we made the pods a different color from the ones in The Matrix. See?
Doctor: Well, if it's a different colour, it's definitely not a rip-off.
RTD: (ahem) I have two words for you: Eleventh... Doctor.

Novice: You're not supposed to be in here.
Doctor: You're not supposed to be testing disease cures on millions of human clones.
Novice: Okay, your point.
Doctor: And what have you done to Rose? The real Rose would only kiss me if the universe depended on it.
Cassandra/Rose: And maybe not even then. You idiot, I'm Cassandra! I just need Rose's body for a little while.
Doctor: Well, so do -- oh.

Matron: What's all this then?
Cassandra/Rose: I want a katrillion zillion dollars or I'll tell everyone your secret.
Matron: What, that we wear veils because they only bothered to create cat makeup for three of us?
Cassandra/Rose: Pfft, that's no secret. I mean the clone cure farm thing.
Matrin: Oh. No dice.
Cassandra/Rose: In that case, logically the next step in my blackmail attempt is to -- um.
Chip: Psst. Release a few diseased clones?
Cassandra/Rose: How is that logical?
Chip: This is an RTD script. Logic is a positive handicap.

Diseased Clone: You created us, weird cat nurses. But I will destroy this control panel and free us all!
Matron: Wait, how does destroying this one control panel on this level release all the pods?
Diseased Clone: RTD scriiiii-- GAK!

Cassandra/Rose: There's an huge army of diseased clones outside this door!
Doctor: Don't tell me they've got a script of Hamlet they've worked out.
Cassandra/Rose: Ha, ha. Do something!
Doctor: Only if you get out of Rose.
Cassandra/Rose: Okay. (FOOSH)
Cassandra/Doctor: Walked into that one.

Cassandra/Doctor: Ooo, get me. Pardon me while I camp it up. I'm a man, baby!
Rose: Almost done? Because the clones are getting in.
Cassandra/Doctor: That movie gets two snaps up! Okay, I'm done.

Cassandra/Doctor: Your brilliant plan is to climb up an elevator shaft? With the clones climbing after us?
Rose: The Doctor's the smart one, but hey, someone is possessing his body.
Cassandra/Doctor: Fine. (FOOSH)
Doctor: Hey, get out of Rose!
Cassandra/Rose: Fine. (FOOSH)
Rose: Hey! We need the Doctor! I'm just a dumb blonde!
Cassandra/Doctor: Whatever. (FOOSH)
Doctor: Cassandra, I'm warning you! Get out of Rose!
Cassandra/Rose: All right already. (FOOSH)
Rose: Cassandra, stop it!
Diseased Clone: Will you two stop bickering? Geez, it's like Will and Grace in
Cassandra/Doctor: Fine! (FOOSH)
Cassandra/Diseased Clone: Walked into that one.

Cassandra/Rose: I'm back. Look, let me stay in her body until the end of the episode.
Doctor: Will there be more kissing?
Cassandra/Rose: Who knows?
Doctor: In that case I'm suddenly empathetic to your suffering and torment.
Cassandra/Rose: I thought you might be.

Doctor: Get me all the cures that the cat-nurses developed.
Cassandra/Rose: What are you going to do?
Doctor: I'm going to slide back down the elevator cable, mix all the cures together, and spray the clones with it using the elevator disinfectant sprayers. C'mon!
Cassandra/Rose: All right. But how can that possibly work?
Doctor: Hang on!
Cassandra/Rose: I mean, the cures will interact, the diseases --
Doctor: RTD scriiiiiiiiiiiiipt!

Doctor: Step into the spray, clonies! That's it! Now -- pass it on!
Cassandra/Rose: Wait, the sprayed ones are curing all the others instantly by touch? That's the most preposterous --
Doctor: All right, I need Rose back. She's a lot more gullible.

Face of Boe: Nice job creating a whole new race, Doctor. Did you get them all jobs and apartments too?
Doctor: Why don't you say something cryptic and piss off?
Face of Boe: Very well. We will meet again a third time. Only then shall I tell you my secret. Goodbye. (WHOOSH)
Doctor: If your secret is that you're a Big Giant Head in a Jar, I already know!

Doctor: All right, we're at the end of the story and there's been no kissing. Time's up.
Cassandra/Rose: But I ain't got no body!
Doctor: Enough with the David Lee Roth impressions. Get out.
Chip: Mistress!
Cassandra/Rose: A patsy! (FOOSH)
Cassandra/Chip: Walked into that one. Wait, Chip's body can't take it. I'm dying!
Doctor: Meh.
Cassandra/Chip: Can't I have a poignant death scene?
Doctor: You're a twisted and evil extortionist who caused the death of dozens of characters in two different episodes!
Cassandra/Chip: Exactly! I'm a New Series icon!
Doctor: Very well. But if Adric shows up and wants a touching death scene, I quit.
Adam: (over the comm) For the katrillion zillionth time, it's -- oh, I give up.

Doctor: So, is it really you?
Rose: Let's put it this way -- here's your fiver.
(Rose and the Doctor place bets on how dumb "Tooth and Claw" will be at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on July 13, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the company that makes Doctor Who. We, the administration of Five-Minute Voyager, could not possibly have less of a clue who that is. Well, actually we do since SCMoll told us, but it's funnier this way.

All material © 2006, Mark Wilson.