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Five-Minute Back to the Future II

by Derek Dean

Marty: Check it out. I've got a new truck, a new life, a new girlfriend....
Jennifer: New girlfriend?
Marty: Well, there is something different about you. I just can't put my finger on it.
Jennifer: If you're not careful, you'll put your foot in it.

Doc: Marty, we've got to go to the future in my flying car!
Biff: Flying car? Cool!
Marty: Hey, was Biff standing there before?
Doc: Nope. Up, up and away!

Jennifer: Wait a minute, we're in the future?
Doc: Not anymore. We're in the present.
Jennifer: But that clock says it's 2015!
Doc: And since we're here now, that makes it the present.
Jennifer: ARRRGH!
Marty: Great, you made her pass out from confusion.
Doc: Well, temporal mechanics have been known to cause headaches.

Doc: So here's the deal. Your son, who conveniently looks just like you, is about to make a terrible mistake.
Marty: He's going to apply for a credit card with a high interest rate?
Doc: Worse! He's going to try to buy a Ricky Martin album from Griff. You need to pose as him and not buy it.
Marty: Who's Ricky Martin?

Boy: Hey, cool. A video game. I wonder how it works.
Boy: So you just say BLAM a whole bunch of times? That's kind of lame.
Marty: No, you also have to use this light gun.
Boy: Geez, you have to use your hands? This game has nothing on Dance Dance Revolution 5000.

Griff: McFly, wanna buy a Ricky Martin CD?
Marty: Sure, as long as there aren't any random interrupt--
Griff: You know, I realize I'm randomly interrupting you, but I just wanted to say I'm going to pound you to a pulp unless there's a random interrupt--
Marty: And now I think I'll make my escape, random interruptions or no.

Marty: Hoverboarding, hoverboarding, la la la la la.
Griff et al: Pursuing, pursuing, la la la la la.
Marty: Being cool, being cool, la la la la la.
Griff et al: Running into the clock tower, la la la la AAAAAAH!

Doc: Hey, Marty, what'd you buy?
Marty: Well, it's not a sports almanac, that's for sure!
Doc: Uh-huh. And what are you planning on doing with that?
Marty: Statistical research?
Doc: Nice try. Hand it over. If there's any research, I'll be the one doing it. That is, of course, barring any random interrupt-- GASP! The cops have found Jennifer!
Marty: We never miss a beat, do we?

Marlene: Mom, is that you?
Jennifer: Geez, that's my daughter? She seems kind of masculine.
Marty Jr: (voice cracking) Hey mom, nice pants.
Jennifer: Geez, that's my son? He seems kind of feminine. And why does everyone take after Marty's side of the family?

Needles: (over the vidphone) Hey, McFly, you wanna buy a Ricky Martin album?
Marty: Are you crazy? Ricky Martin was outlawed a long time ago. And I thank God for that every day too.
Needles: Aw, come on. Buy an album. No one will have to know, you turkey.
Marty: You dare call me a turkey? Then I will prove you right by buying the album.
Needles: Thanks. And don't worry about being fired, that would only happen with a random interrupt--
Jitz: You're fired.

Doc: Alright, we rescued Jennifer. Now let's get the hell out of here.
Marty: Hey, is that Biff having a heart attack over there?
Doc: Who cares? Up, up and away!

Marty: Ah, back home, safe and --
Marty: Sound! Sound in my ear! Make it stop!
Father: I can make it stop by beating your head in with this bat.
Marty: You sure you want to do that? You could be charged with battery. Heh heh -- OW!

Marty: AAAAAAAA! Oh wait, it's a dream....
Lorraine: No, it's not. I'm just glad you didn't get too hurt when Biff's guys knocked you out.
Marty: Speaking of knockouts, have you had surgery?
Lorraine: Are you coming on to your own mother? Ick. Ick. Ick.

Marty: What's going on? The city's spinning out of control. Everyone I know is screwed up. It seems like the only place that's not going to scar me is this graveyard.
George's Grave: That doesn't really make sense.
Marty: Oh shut up. You're just my dad's tombstone. What would you know?

Doc: So we're stuck in an alternate universe.
Marty: What's an alternate universe?
Doc: It's a way to tell really cool stories by showing what would've happened if things had happened differently. For example, in this universe, we're at war with the Klingons.
Marty: And it's all because of that almanac I bought in a future that doesn't exist anymore?
Doc: Yes, but don't think about it too much or else you'll get a headache.

Biff: A Fistful of Dollars is a great movie, but I can't shake this ominous feeling of foreshadowing whenever I watch it.
Marty: Maybe you'd like it better if it had androids in it.
Biff: Hey, what are you doing here?
Marty: I need to know when you got the almanac.
Biff: I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.
Marty: I can live with that.

Marty: Doc, we've got to go back to 1955 to stop Biff!
Doc: Aren't you afraid we'll see us?
Marty: Nope. Up, up and away!

Marty: So I'm back in the past again. It's like I was here yesterday.
Doc: You were here yesterday, but only once. You're here today twice.
Marty: I have a headache.
Doc: Just go follow Biff.

Marty: (over the walky-talky) Biff has the almanac and he's going to the dance.
Doc: Marty, be careful! If you don't we may get our movies confused!
Marty: No worries. I'll be sure to get my parents back together.
Doc: Sigh.

Marty: Crap. Where could Biff be?
George: (in the background) How about a nice Hawaiian punch?
Biff: (in the background) Sure.
(PUNCH! (in the background))
Marty: There you are! Where's the almanac?
Biff: Where's my punch?
(PUNCH! (in the foreground))

Original Marty: And now for my closing number, I will play "Johnny B Goode." Just make sure no one jumps me when I exit the stage.
Skinhead: Look, there he is on stage! Let's jump him!
3-D: We better not. He just asked for us not to.
Skinhead: Not now, anyway.

Biff: Hey! What are you doing with my almanac?
Marty: Um, the mambo?
Biff: Then I guess you won't mind if I do a little Swing and take the almanac back.

Marty: Hoverboarding, getting almanac, la la la la la.
Biff: Ramming, ramming, la la la la la.
Marty: Flying away, flying away, la la la la la.
Biff: Running into the manure, la la la la AAAAAAH!

Marty: Look! After burning the almanac, this newspaper from the future changed to say my father is still alive!
Doc: And on my newspaper, the text is changing from "Doc Brown committed" to ... "Doc Brown still committed"? Wait, there's more! "And...if...I'm...lying...may...lightning...strike...the...DeL--"
Marty: Great, now I'll never know what it said.

Western Union Guy: Want a letter?
Marty: Gee, thanks.
Western Union Guy: I meant a paper letter.

Doc: It worked! I'm a genius! If only I could've had my dog out here, but I guess it's a little too chilly for him.
Marty: Geez, are you still on about that? That joke was so last movie.
(Doc faints at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: Back to the Future
Next fiver: Back to the Future III

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This fiver was originally published on April 13, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Universal Studios. But it won't be after I get back. (revs engine)

All material © 2004, Derek Dean.