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Five-Minute Back to the Future

by Derek Dean

TV Reporter: (on TV) ...plutonium stolen. Are you even listening to me? Or were you looking at the clocks?
Marty: Actually I was trying to prove how cool I am by playing my guitar.
Clocks: Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Marty: Hey! Don't call me crazy.
TV Reporter: I didn't. Those were the clocks.
Marty: Right. I knew that.

Marty: Now I'm going to prove how cool I am by using my skateboard to hitch a ride on this car.
Driver: Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Marty: It's only the clocks, it's only the clocks.
Driver: No, it's not.
Marty: Crap.

Jennifer: Wow, you have me as your girlfriend. You are so cool.
School: Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Marty: And now I'm late to class, meaning I'm going to get to be disrespectful to the principal, which also makes me cool.
Strickland: Are you high? You're not cool; your band sucks; and your parents are losers.
Marty: See? I'm in a band that the older generation hates. This also makes me cool.
Strickland: (mumbling) I give up.

Huey Lewis: Man, your band is awful.
Marty: Huey Lewis thinks I'm not cool? (THUMP)
Jennifer: Oh great. You made my boyfriend collapse.

Marty: Huey Lewis thinks I'm not cool! What if I'm not cool? What if I'm... a Republican!
Jennifer: I think you'd need stronger family ties before that would happen.
Marty: Check out that truck! If I could have that, then I'd be cool.
Lady: Cuckoo! Cuckoo! That was the sound the clock tower used to make before lightning struck it 30 years ago.
Marty: When am I ever going to need to know that?

Marty: Hey, dad. How am I supposed to be cool if the car's wrecked?
George: You could always stick your head in the freezer.
Marty: I'm going to stop talking to you now.

Doc: Hey Marty. Check out what I built: a time machine.
Marty: This isn't another one of those slingshot-around-the-sun things, is it?
Doc: Well, maybe, but just look what happened to Einstein!
Einstein: ARF!
Marty: You turned Albert Einstein into a dog?
Doc: No! Well, yes, but that was before this experiment.

Einstein: Arf! Arf arf ARF arf!
Marty: What's wrong with the dog?
Doc: Oh, he's probably just a little chilly.
Libyans: I think he's referring to us. We represent the LSPCA. We prefer killing people, not animals.
Doc: GAK!

Marty: Hm, should I escape from the terrorists in this DeLorean, or drive around the mall parking lot trying to look cool?
Terrorist: What is this obsession with being cool? You need to get over it.
Marty: You know what? You're right. I need to put my behind in the past.

Marty: George, you are my father.
George: Oh, real creative use of a Star Wars reference.
Marty: Well, it was easy to think of -- hey! How do you know about Star Wars in 1955?
George: I can't tell you. Temporal Prime Directive. Er, um, gotta run.

Marty: George? Where are you?
George: I'm definitely not up in a tree spying on Lorraine changing clothes!
Marty: That's disgusting.
George: Why? Because I'm a Peeping Tom?
Marty: No, because you're my parents! The very thought of you having sex makes me sick.

Marty: AAAAAAAA! Oh wait, it's a dream....
Lorraine: No, it's not. But speaking of dreams, you're like a dream come true, you hunk, you.
Marty: Is it still an Oedipus complex when it goes the other way?

Marty: You've gotta fix your time machine so I can go back to the future!
Doc: But I haven't built a time machine.
Marty: Doc, you're not thinking fourth-dimensionally!

Doc: (on video) Hey Marty. Check out what I built: a time machine.
Marty: (on video) This isn't another one of those slingshot-around-the-sun things, is it?

Doc: Slingshot around the sun? It can't be done! Can't!
Marty: Look, all we need is a Klingon Bird of Prey, which I happen to know you own.
Doc: I do not have a Klingon Bird of Prey, and if I'm lying may lightning strike -- that's it! We can use the lightning to power the DeLorean to send you back to the future.
That's It: AAAAAH!

Marty: So why is my brother disappearing from this photograph?
Doc: Great Scott! You've created a paradox!
Marty: Wow. I hadn't even created one dock before, much less two.

Marty: Hey, Lorraine. How are you?
Lorraine: Fine now that you're here, you stud.
Marty: Ick! Why don't you like George McFly? He'd make a good father for your kids... well, genetically speaking anyway.
Lorraine: Perhaps, but you're the one I was dreaming about all last night. Well, not the part right now where you're vomiting....

Marty: Hey George, what are you writing?
George: Stories about a space station in the future, commanded by Captain Sisko who is --
Marty: Yeah, great. You could've just said fiction.
George: But it's much more than that to me. I created it, and it's REAL!

Biff: Hey Lorraine, I wanna ask you something. What are the chances of a girl like me and a guy like you getting together?
Lorraine: I assume you mean a girl like me and a guy like you.
Biff: That's what I just said.
Lorraine: Either way, the answer's no.

Kruge: ROAR! That is how the Klingon lures a mate.
George: Are you telling me to ask Lorraine to the dance?
Kruge: No. Men do not ask. Women ask. Then they hurl heavy objects and claw at you.
George: I think I'll try something less dangerous.
Kruge: Fine. Go to her door. Beg like a human.

George: I know it was you in my room last night.
Marty: Actually, it was Doc. He's got some freaky costumes.

George: Lorraine, will you go to the dance with me?
Lorraine: Sure, as long as there aren't any random interrupt--
Biff: Hey, McFly! I'm going to pound you to a pulp unless there's a random interrupt--
Marty: And now I think I'll make my escape, random interruptions or no.

Marty: Skateboarding, skateboarding, la la la la la.
Biff et al: Pursuing, pursuing, la la la la la.
Marty: Being cool, being cool, la la la la la.
Biff et al: Running into the manure, la la la la AAAAAAH!

Marty: (on video) What's wrong with the dog?
Doc: (on video) Oh, he's probably just a little chilly.

Marty: Doc, there's something I have to tell you about that video.
Doc: Does it have anything to do with a miniature model of the city?
Marty: Uh, no.
Doc: Then it can wait.

Lorraine: Will you ask me to the dance?
Doc: Duck! She's going to throw things at you!
Marty: You mean George didn't ask you?
Lorraine: Meh. I'd rather go with someone I'm attracted to.
Marty: Ick. Ick. Ick.

George: So you want me to go to the dance with Lorraine even though she's attracted to you?
Marty: Ick. Don't remind me.
George: And you want me to punch you after you take advantage of her.
Marty: I'm going to need to shower for a week, and then go to confession for a week. And I'm not even Catholic!

Doc: I can't wait until I can finally find out what was going on in that video.
Marty: I can just tell you. You see the chilly dog was --
Doc: No! Don't tell me. But you can write it in a letter.

Lorraine: Look at me. I'm both smoking and drinking because I'm cool.
Marty: Well, being from the 80s, I have been indoctrinated about being fit, so I think I can safely say "Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"
Lorraine: Well, what about sex? You have any taboos against that?
Marty: Not really, but shouldn't you?

Lorenzo: Hey, Marvin. Your car's making a sound again.
Marvin Barry: Ooh, I think I know what's causing it. Is it that CHUNKA-CHUNKA-CHUNKA sound?
Lorenzo: No, it's more of a "Help! Help! Biff's gang trapped me in the trunk!" sound.
Barry: Then I have no idea.

George: Um, hi, Biff.
Biff: Why don't you leave us alone, McFly. Or better yet, how about you getting me a drink from the dance?
George: How about a nice Hawaiian punch?
Biff: Sure.

Barry: I don't want to guilt trip you into playing the guitar. I mean, just because I suffered what will most likely be a mortal wound trying to get you out of the car trunk doesn't mean you owe me anything.
Marty: Um, no. Of course I'm not playing out of guilt.
Barry: Don't give me that. I can see right through you.
Marty: Wait a second, so can I! Come on, parents -- get with it. Just don't make me think about it.

Marty: And now for my closing number, I will play "Johnny B Goode." Just make sure no one jumps me when I exit the stage.
Barry: There isn't anyone over there.
Marty: Not now, anyway.

Marty: So I think everything's fixed. My parents will get married and have me, the DeLorean's ready to go, and the cabling just fell apart.
Doc: Whoops. Probably should worry about that last one.
Marty: Probably.

Doc: It worked! I'm a genius! If only I could've had my dog out here, but I guess it's a little too chilly for him.

Original Marty: Hm, should I escape from the terrorists in this DeLorean, or drive around the mall parking lot trying to look cool?
Terrorist: What is this obsession with being cool? You need to get over it.
Original Marty: You know what? You're right. I need to put my behind in the past.
Marty: Hm. I think I meant "put my past behind me."

Doc: Hi, Marty!
Marty: AHHH! He's back from the dead! He's a vampire! Quick, someone call Biff the Vampire Slayer.
Doc: Oh shut up.

Marty: Check it out. I've got a new truck, a new life, a new girlfriend....
Jennifer: New girlfriend?
Marty: Heh. I mean, um, not a new girlfriend. Same one as before.

Doc: Marty, we've got to go to the future in my flying car!
Marty: Aren't you afraid someone will see us?
Doc: Nope. Up, up and away!
(The DeLorean blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


Next fiver: Back to the Future II

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This fiver was originally published on April 13, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Universal Studios. But it won't be after I get back. (revs engine)

All material © 2004, Derek Dean.