Five-Minute "The Corps is Mother, The Corps is Father"
by Sa'ar Chasm

Drake: Ah, Bester, good. You're just in time to meet this week's plot complications. We're assigning you two PsiCop trainees: Lauren Ashley...
Ashley: Call me Lolita.
Drake: ...and Chen Hikaru.
Bester: Is that shirt regulation, Mr. Hikaru?
Chen: Red is my colour, sir.

Harris: won't like me when he's angry. Harris Smush!
Roomie: I think I've been studying too hard... it feels like my brain is dribbling out my ears... GAK!

Bester: Rogue telepaths may be ungrateful wretches who've run away from home despite all the warmth and affection you've shown them, but they're still telepaths. They're family.
Chen: Then why do we hunt them down like dogs?
Bester: Because that's how we show we love them!
Ashley: What exactly was your family life like when you were
growing up?

Chen: Ewww! What's all that red stuff?
Bester: I believe the technical term is "blood," but I can't be sure.
Chen: But... how does he survive with all his blood on the outside?
Bester: Exactly how long have you been in training?

Ashley: Sir, I really respect you. Could I ask you for a favour?
Bester: What would that be?
Ashley: Could we... could you do... the accent?
Bester: (sigh) Very well, if it'll get rid of you. (ahem) "Keptin, Klingon wessels..."

Drake: Harris has flown the coop and gone to Babylon 5.
Bester: Again with that station! Why does every two-bit runaway end up at that hunk of spinning metal? Why do they never go to Space Station Rodina or Gagarin IV or New Volgograd?
Drake: Why would anyone other than you watch a show called "New Volgograd?" Oh, and before you go, your suspect is a mind-shredder.
Bester: I'll need some pink glowing goo, four turtles and fifteen years to train them in the ninja arts.

Bester: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, why does Harris have such gall?
Mirror-Harris: Y'know, if lemmings lived in a country with sensible coastlines, we wouldn't even know about them.
Bester: Well, that was helpful.

Harris: What's this game called?
Dealer: Blackjack. Do you know how to play it?
Harris: Of course. I'll go get the feather boa, you get the rubber Batman suit.

Stewardess: Thank you for flying PsiCorps Hyperways. If you look to your left and right, you will see that the emergency escape pods are reserved for flight crew only. In the event of a loss in cabin pressure, your eyeballs will be sucked from their sockets and then explode. We ask that you keep your tray tables and seatbacks in the locked, upright position until the transport exits hyperspace and comes to a complete relative stop.
Ashley: How often did you say this thing exits hyperspace?
Bester: Never.
Chen: Are we there yet?

Zack: Welcome to Babylon 5. Please have your --
Bester: -- passport, blood sample and firstborn child ready. Yes, yes, I know the drill. Bozhemoi! That plant!
Zack: What about it? It's always been there.
Bester: Exactly! Every time I come here, it's always in the same spot.
Zack: Ah. That's what we call 'continuity'. It can be a bit unsettling if you're not used to it.

Sore Loser: Hey, you! You were cheating. I want my feather boa back.
Harris: But I didn't...
Sore Loser: Of course you did. The only other person I've ever seen win that much is that damned Centauri ambassador, him and his... never mind. I'm gonna do to you what I couldn't do to him: make you a eunuch.
Harris: I'm flattered, but he says I'm already unique. Harris smush!
Sore Loser: GAK!

Bester: This is Harris' room. Stay here and watch the door...
Chen: the door...
Bester: ...and wait for me to come back.
Chen: ...and if you don't come back...
Bester: Don't try to open it.
Chen: ...try to open it. Right, gotcha.
Bester: It's like playing Telephone with monkeys.

Chen: Okay, he's gone. Gimme a credit card so I can get the door open. (door opens) Ewww, I smell dead people. (squish) Gaaaah! I see dead people!
Ashley: Dude, you stepped in dead people.

Franklin: I can't understand this. It's like every cell in his brain just exploded. Do you know anything about this?
Bester: The PsiCorps Science Directorate has determined that it's caused by gnomes with tiny sticks of dynamite.

Bester: All right, you two split up and search. Chen, you trawl through the seediest part of the station and see if you can find any more illegal gambling dens. Lauren, you go some place much,
much safer.
Chen: Is that a good idea?
Bester: Relax, nothing bad ever happened to a guy named Hikaru. Well, there was that time we got lost in Yosemite...

Chen: Okay, calling Bester and telling him what I found. What the...? "I know what you did five minutes ago?" (gasp) This transmission is coming from inside the -- GAK!

Bryce: You should watch yourself. People are out to get you, like that Sore Loser you smushed back there.
Harris: But he was really nice. He offered to make me unique.
Bryce: I think he meant -- (whisperwhisper)
Harris: You're kidding, right?

Harris: (on PsiCorps surveillance video) You won't like me when he's angry!
Bester: He keeps saying "You won't like me when he's angry." Eureka! Harris has multiple personalities!
Ashley: How did you figure that out?
Bester: Only a telepath can pick up on obvious clues like that.

Bester: Harris! Don't move!
Harris: Kerpow!
Bester: Biff!
Bryce: Zowie!
Harris: Splat!
Bester: Does anyone else feel like we're stuck in an old Batman episode?
Bryce: Shaddap, you. Zap!
Bester: Gak!

Franklin: Hold still so I can stitch up your shoulder in as excruciating a manner as possible.
Bester: (falls off table) Why did you catch me?
Franklin: This is the downside of continuity. I made the mistake of being nice to an insufferable git in Season 1, and now I'm stuck with it.

Bester: Rogue telepath captured, check. Annoying trainee killed through his own incompetence, check. Sexual tension toyed with and ignored, check. All that remains is to attend to our mundane guest.
Ashley: Can I? Canicanicaniplease? (Bryce takes an unsuited hyperspace walk)
Bester: I believe that's a new Corps record for airlock exit velocity. I think you might be PsiCop material. CIMCIF.
Ashley: CIMCIF?
Bester: The Corps Is Mother, The Corps Is Father. Say that mouthful enough times and you'll abbreviate it too.
(The title gets reduced to 1/12 of its length at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on March 28, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Babylonian Productions. I doubt they'll mind, but if they do, I'll just sic Alexander the Great on 'em.

All material © 2004, Steven Maguire.