by Tate

It was the year AC 195, and war had enveloped Earth and Space. In land, sea, air and space, the battle raged between great companies of Mobile Suits.
Doctor J: Isn't it a bit redundant to call them "mobile" suits? A suit wouldn't be much use if it wasn't moveable.
Professor G: You're just giving me a chance to explain that "Mobile Suit" is our term for "giant humanoid robot" again, aren't you?
Doctor J: You got it.

The war finally came to a close; mainly because no one could figure out what side they were on.
Soldier A: Die, Romefeller scum!
Soldier B: I'm not with Romefeller, I'm with White Fang.
Soldier C: Really? I thought we were still with OZ.
Soldier D: Let's just forget the whole thing.

Now a year has passed, and the Mobile Suits known as Gundams are being prepped for a one way trip to the sun.
Duo: Seems a shame to just throw these away. Don't you think we could have thought of some use for them?
Quatre: Nah. What use could giant humanoid robots have in a world without war? It's not as if they could fly or transport heavy objects. And they couldn't possibly serve as a deterrent in case someone wanted to start a war again.
Duo: Well, I guess this is it. Goodbye, Deathscythe.
Quatre: See you later, Sandrock.
Duo: Uh, Quatre? You know you actually won't see it again. We're sending it to be destroyed.
Quatre: Oh yeah. Uh, can I change my mind about throwing them away?

It is Christmas Eve, and humanity celebrates a year of peace on Earth and goodwill toward men. Little do they know nefarious forces are at work.
Relena: How do you do? I'm the Vice Foreign Minister of the Earth Sphere Unified Nation.
No, not her.
Ambassador: I'm glad to meet you. Please have some tea. I have so many questions for you. Like: why does a one world government need a foreign minister?
Relena: I've wondered that myself. By the way, this tea isn't drugged, is it?
Ambassador: Maybe a little.

Dekim: Little do the fools know that we are at work. Bwa ha ha ha ha!
It's him.
Mariemaia: Soon I'll rule the world, and we'll have true peace! Right, grandpa?
And her. Surprised that a little girl is behind the insurrection plot? Deal with it.

Heero: Relena's been kidnapped.
Duo: And how do you know this?
Heero: Oh, I have her under constant surveillance.
Duo: Dude, that's kind of creepy.
Heero: Don't worry, it's not some sort of stalker thing. I just want to protect her. Or kill her, if necessary.
Duo: Right, that's a lot less creepy.

Relena: Where am I? And who are you?
Mariemaia: I'm the daughter of the great leader Treize Khushrenada. I'm going to take over the world.
Relena: That's crazy. Treize didn't have any children when he died.
Mariemaia: Well obviously he must have, or I wouldn't be here. Duh.
Relena: I should have known better that to try to reason with a child. Why did you bring me here anyway?
Mariemaia: Because I consider you to be the biggest threat in existence.
Relena: I guess I should be flattered, but wouldn't the Gundam pilots be bigger threats to your coup?
Mariemaia: Coup, nothing. You're the biggest threat to my Heero shipping.
Relena: Oh. What?

Mariemaia: (over planet-wide television) I'm declaring myself Queen of the World. My colony of X18999 is rebelling against Earth. We're mainly upset about being given such a stupid name, but we also think conquering Earth is what my dad would have wanted. Merry Christmas!

Quatre: (over the comm) Where are you and Heero going?
Duo: We're going to colony X18999 to rescue Relena.
Quatre: Without your Gundams? But that's suicide!
Duo: You're such a wimp, Quatre. It probably comes from your family. How many sisters do you have again?
Quatre: I have twenty-nine older sisters. I also had a brother named Hub, but we don't talk about him much
Duo: Well, don't worry about us; we'll be fine. But feel free to try to intercept the garbage scow on its way to the sun if you want to.
Quatre: Good idea. Quatre out.
Duo: I wonder if he thought I was being serious.

Duo: So how long do you think it will take us to get to the colony?
Heero: About long enough for two flashbacks.
Duo: Sounds good to me. I'll go first.

Duo: Rats! Why won't this Gundam explode?
Professor G: Because I disabled the bomb.
Duo: Well I can't let Operation Meteor succeed. People will die!
Professor G: And letting people die would really conflict with your "shinigami" persona.
Duo: That's right! What kind of personification of death would I be if I let people die? Wait a minute...
Professor G: Forget about it. And forget about Operation Meteor too. Just steal Deathscythe and fly to Earth on your own.
Duo: Hey great idea. In return, you can take this notebook I don't need anymore.

Heero: Being carefree is no fun. I need some angst.
Little Girl: Would it help if I got killed in an explosion you inadvertently set off?
Heero: Yeah, that could work.

Duo: "Arrive at the colony", check. "Steal some Mobile Suits", check. Now all that's left is to fight our way to wherever Relena is being kept.
Heero: You forgot 'Get shot at by former allies'.
Duo: Yeah, but I don't think there are any around here.
Trowa and Wu Fei: What about us?
Dou: NOOOO! Trowa! How could you betray us?
Trowa: First of all, I'm not really Trowa...

Trowa: ...I am.
Doktor S: You are what?
Trowa: I'm mad that you're planning on stopping Operation Meteor. I wanna kill people!
Engineer: Me too! Well, mostly I want to kill you.
Gun: BANG!
Trowa: GAK!
Doktor S: Great! Now who's going to pilot the Heavyarms Gundam?
No Name: I could do it! I might as well take that guy's name while I'm at it.

Trowa: And that how I became Trowa. As for how I could betray you...
Mobile Suit: BANG!
Duo: Ha! You missed me! And you opened up a passage for me to get deeper into the colony! Some shot you are. Hey! Where are you going? You were going to explain how you could betray us. Wait a minute...

Rashid: Are you sure about this mission, master Quatre? I think Duo was just joking about retrieving the Gundams.
Quatre: Give me a break, man. Duo's not that Wily. How na´ve do you think I am?

Quatre: I'm all ready to start Operation Meteor. I just need to know what I'm supposed to do.
Instructor H: Umm... Operation Meteor is where you get to go to Earth and uhh... take a vacation. Yeah, that's it. Fly your Gundam down to the Bahamas and stay there for a few months.
Quatre: What does that computer say? 'Wipe out one third of the..."
Instructor H: Moths. We've got a serious moth problem in this colony. That's just a status report.
Quatre: It looks like it says 'population of the-'
Instructor H: Oops. I thought there was a moth on that screen.
Quatre: Okay then.

Quatre: Everything will go perfectly. I'll even plot a new course to cut down the five-day trip to 40 hours. And we can still make it back to Earth by Christmas!
Rashid: Great. Did you really want me to answer that question about your naivete?

Relena: Are you sure Treize would have wanted you to start war up all over again. That last one was supposed to be the war to end all wars.
Mariemaia: Frankly, I don't care what he would have wanted. I just want to rule.
Relena: Look, being Queen of the world isn't all it's made out to be. I know. I've tried it.
Mariemaia: Please, we both know that you just did that to try to get Heero to like you.
Relena: He threatened to kill my when we first met.
Mariemaia: So obviously you're not a good match for him.

Duo: It looks like everyone left. Where did they all go?
Heero: They're probably launching an attack on Earth. You know, starting Operation Meteor up again.
Duo: Which version of Operation Meteor are you referring to? If it's the one with the Gundams, we don't have them any more.
Heero: No, I mean the original plan, where they drop a space colony onto Earth.
Duo: That would never work. For one thing, what colony would they use?
Heero: I'll leave you alone on this abandoned colony to think about it.

Soldier: We're being attacked by a Mobile Suit!
Zechs: (over the comm) And guess who's piloting it.
Soldier: Han Solo?
Dekim: Stop guessing, you idiot. Zechs! I thought you were dead!
Zechs: I got better.

Trowa: Help me stop the colony's destabilization .
Duo: Okay, but only if you tell me why you betrayed us.
Trowa: I didn't -- Heero, could you do me a favor and punch him for me.
Heero: You don't have to ask twice.
Heero: Do you find it odd that no one was asked about Wu Fei's treachery?
Trowa: No.
Heero: Me neither.

It's Christmas, AC 196. Mariemaia's army has captured the President's residence (hey, that rhymes) effectively conquering the Earth Sphere Unified Nation. The Preventers were powerless to prevent the coup; so powerless, in fact, that I didn't even bother mentioning them until now.
Relena: Heero...
Mariemaia: Will you stop saying that? Its obvious Heero doesn't love you. Now that you're out of the way, he'll be free to truly follow his heart.
Relena: I never said he loved me. But he hasn't killed me yet, and that's got to count for something.
Mariemaia: Yeah, it means he doesn't have the guts to go through with his promises. That will change once I'm Queen. Everything will change. I'll put an end to the endless waltz of history.
Relena: So that's where the term "endless waltz" came from. What exactly does it mean?
Mariemaia: Um, I forget. I'll go ask Grandpa.

Wu Fei: Why haven't I had a flashback yet?
Master O: Because we're trying to keep it ambiguous as to whether you're a good guy or a bad guy. A flashback like this would ruin it.
Wu Fei: Who cares about ambiguity? I'm a good guy!

Wu Fei: I'm a bad guy!
Heero: That's unambiguous, but pretty confusing. What exactly are your motives in this conflict?
Wu Fei: To fight, of course.
Heero: Good point. Now that I've got Wing Zero back, its about time for some Gundam vs. Gundam combat.
Wu Fei: Exactly. This wouldn't be Gundam Wing if we didn't waste half our time with pointless in-fighting.

Heero: Time for confession.
Wu Fei: Shouldn't you be telling this to Duo? He's the one dressed like a priest.
Heero: I feel guilty for killing that girl. And her little dog, too.
Wu Fei: Well, I feel guilty for the death of my wife.
Quatre: Well, I feel guilty that there's no air in space.
Heero: Nobody cares, Quatre. Wait, you're married, Wu Fei?
Wu Fei: Stop changing the subject. We were talking about how guilty you are.

Zechs: Just a few hundred Mobile Suits left to fight and we'll be past Mariemaia's security forces.
Duo: Great. This'll be just like Dynasty Warriors: Gundam. Ever play it?
Quatre: Yes. Let's never speak of it again.

Dekim: How long will Zechs and the Gundam pilots insist on fighting us? Don't they see that our victory is inevitable?
Relena: Hey! Don't you go insulting my brother!
Dekim: Oh that's right. You and Zechs are siblings. You're both Peacecrafts.
Relena: That's right, but what we need in the face of your tyranny is a world of warcraft!
Dekim: Enough with your foolish games!

Trowa: It looks like we're fighting another losing battle.
Duo: But wait, there's another Gundam coming in. And guess who's piloting it.
Quatre: Han Solo?
Heero: You guys are terrible at these guessing games.
Zechs: That they are.

Heero: All your base are belong to us!
Mariemaia: I think you're confusing "Wing Zero" with "Zero Wing".
Heero: Oh. Well, can I at least set you up the bomb?
Mariemaia: Do your worst. You can't beat our shield.
Wing Zero: BANG!
Mariemaia: That probably wasn't the best time to bluff, was it?
Dekim: Don't worry, everyone's entitled to one fatal mistake. Mine was trusting you.
Soldier: Actually, yours was not watching your back.
Gun: BANG!
Dekim: GAK!

Heero: I'll kill you, Mariemaia!
Duo: Don't mind him. With Heero, "I'll kill you" is just an affectionate greeting.
Heero: I'll kill you, Duo!
Duo: Right back atcha, buddy.
Mariemaia: I knew it!
Duo: Knew what? What do you...oh no. You don't mean what I think you mean, do you?

Mariemaia: You mean none of you are...
Duo: Nope.
Quatre: Not me.
Trowa: No.
Wu Fei: No way.
Heero: Are you kidding?
Mariemaia: Oh well.
Relena: I have no idea what you're talking about, but can I have Heero back now?
Mariemaia: Sure. He's all yours.
Heero: I'll kill you, Relena.
Relena: I love you too, Heero.

Gundams: KABLAZMO!
Wu Fei: So that's the end of the Gundams.
Quatre: Oh, please. Since when does self-detonation actually destroy Gundams?

Trowa: So I'm back to being No Name again.
Duo: Yeah, most of us Gundam pilots just made up our own names. Quatre and Wu Fei are the exceptions.
Quatre: ...And Zechs Marquise is really Milliardo Peacecraft and Relena Darlian is his sister, Relena Peacecraft, right? Let me just write all those names down in this notebook; I'll never remember them otherwise.
Duo: Uh...where did you get that notebook?
Quatre: A professor gave it to me. Why do you ask?
Duo: No reason.

Mariemaia: I sure feel embarrassed.
Lade Une: About trying to take over the world? Don't worry; its just a phase you're going through. Like the time a few years ago when I had to wear glasses.
Mariemaia: You turned evil whenever you wore those glasses.
Une: I think there was something wrong with the perscription.

And that was the last anyone ever saw of Mobile Suits, mainly because everyone realized that giant humanoid robots are a really stupid way to fight a war.
(The snow falls at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on July 12, 2010.

DISCLAIMER: DA da da DA da da DA da da DA da da DA da da... hey, who stopped the music? We weren't done!

All material © 2010, Tate Chamberlain.