Five-Minute "All Great Neptune's Ocean"
by Tarn-Vedra

Harper: Man, look at those stems.
Rommie: Thanks, Harper, but you did build them.
Beka: I think he meant the glassware.
Harper: No I didn't. Hey, I don't wanna sit next to a water-breather....
Rommie: You think I'd let you near the air-breather? Get real, mouthbreather.

Dylan: So, this is Command. I figured you'd want to see it before you died.
Castalian President Lee: Die? How would you know that?
Dylan: You're an important leader who came aboard with two suspicious minor characters.
President Lee: True. By the way, this is my Nietzschean security advisor, Colonel Yau.
Colonel Yau: Hi.
Dylan: Yow. Have you seen my force lance?

Beka: Why do I have to wear a dress? Isn't my mannish wardrobe suitable for a state dinner?
Rommie: Haha, you're a riot, Beka. How 'bout this one?
Beka: It's pink.
Rommie: Exactly.
Beka: And has a triangle pattern.
Rommie: Uh huh.
Beka: Are you implying something?
Rommie: Why, of course not! Ooh, do you like plaid?

Beka: I can't stand to listen to another toast... somebody shoot me.
Tyr: Maybe later. Sorry to interrupt the festivities, but I thought it was time for a plot twist. President Lee... eats babies!
Everyone: GASP!
President Lee: No I don't. I just massacred a few thousand Nietzscheans.
Dylan: Oh, whew. For a second, I thought there was some kind of moral dilemma.

Tyr: Nietzscheans don't blow themselves up. He's lying.
Dylan: You don't know that for sure.
President Lee: I already told you I did it.
Dylan: There isn't even any proof!
President Lee: Captain Hunt, are you even listening to me?
Rommie: He's on one of his rants. You may as well go talk to Tyr... alone.
President Lee: Great idea!

Dylan: Are you sure this is a good idea? Tyr and Lee alone in a room?
Rommie: Tyr is just apologizing for his accurate accusations of genocide. What could go wrong?
President Lee: (offscreen) Hey, what's th--
Tyr's Force Lance: (offscreen) BLAM BLAM!
President Lee: (offscreen) GAK!
Dylan: What, indeed?

Dylan: You killed President Lee? Bad idea, Tyr.
Tyr: But I didn't do it, it was the gun!
Dylan: A likely story. Hey, why is Yau sitting in Lee's blood pool?
Colonel Yau: I loved him... even though he killed my parents on that orbital habitat.
Dylan: I'm sorry for your loss. We'll find out who did this, and who blew up the habitat.
Rommie: Captain Hunt, please report to Medical for an emergency hearing check.

Holo-Tyr: Die, fishbrain!
Holo-President Lee: Blarg, I am dead!

Tyr: That's your reconstruction? I know how to assassinate people -- I could have done better.
Dylan: Try not to mention that in your trial.

Evil Chancellor: It is with great sadness that I accept the position as president of Castalia. I hope the tragic death of my predecessor will not bring an attack on the Andromeda Ascendant, which just happens to be stationed at the following coordinates....

Colonel Yau: Tyr did it. Your evidence sucks.
Dylan: Now who's not listening?
Rommie: Aha! I knew it!
Dylan: Uh oh.

Dylan: I'm feeling Law & Order-ish today -- let's talk about suspects and motives and other such things.
Beka: All right. We have Colonel Ironpants, who had no real motive; the Evil Chancellor, who probably did it; and --
Rommie: I did it... I killed the President.
Dylan: But you're a computer.
Harper: I know, I reprogrammed her. I killed the President.
Dylan: Why the heck would you --
Beka: Because I ordered him to. I killed the Presi--
Rommie: Shut up! This cover story thing is getting ridiculous. Anyway, the press conference is about to start.

Dylan: A. I. of the Andromeda Ascendant, you shot the fish guy. Ready for execution?
Rommie: Sure, Cap'n!
Beka: Oh wait, Dylan. You forgot the ceremonial denouement music.
Ceremonial Denouement Music: DOO doo doo DOO doo DOO
Tyr's Force Lance: (automatically) BANG BANG!
Smart Bullets: Anyone see the president's Medallion of Office around here?
Evil Chancellor: EEK!
Castalian People: Hey, wait a minute...

Beka: So the ceremonial music made Tyr's force lance fire all by itself? And then our smart bullets were tracking on the president's Breastplate of Office, or whatever that thing was?
Dylan: Yes. We just demonstrated that. You were right there.
Beka: Yeah, but it was hard to follow.
Dylan: Oh. Fair enough.

Dylan's Log: I don't know if I actually make these, but it turns out the Chancellor did it. Who didn't figure that out?
President Lee's Ghost: Well, I sure as hell didn't.
(Andromeda slipstreams off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on January 25, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Tribune Entertainment. I don't think Gene would mind what I do in his larger universe, so he probably wouldn't mind this either.

All material © 2006, Brian Gilbert.